How weird is life?

Over 20 years ago now I was diagnosed with having Bipolar. An emotional disorder due to the lack of neurotransmitters in my brain, and I was to take medications that would bridge these gaps in my neuro-pathways and make me better.

That took a very long time, however, after having been through various stages of the disorder over many years I’ve now been told that I’ve never had bipolar and that it is a Personality Disorder, or BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder.)

I was shocked to hear this, thinking “what happened to the last 20 odd years?” But I have to agree with the science this time and admit that I do have a few extra sides to my being.

Three actually, two men, and a rather hungry sucker.

ManninMirror is my Hyde, he’s the Jekyll on my shoulder. The 5th Dan who is so chimp-like, he rattles and shrieks if he’s feeling left out and he makes my life really quite difficult, mentally.

I’m the other man, and I’ve grown and matured and ended up with all of my emotions and bridges built rather well and intact, I think, and the only things to affect me these days, are either going out and feeling spaced out from the medications that I take.

How weird is Life?

Because apparently, according to those in the know, Bipolar and BPD are SO intertwined and close together that you really can’t tell the difference between one and the other.

SO. What or Who am I? And why is it up to someone else to say?

These days I don’t look at that, no but there was a time when I did. And again, according to those in the know that was when I didn’t know. So I had to listen to them.

I used to attend a BPD class twice a month for a while but soon after realised that all 4 of us couldn’t be there at the same time so what was the point? And that reminds me about the 4th equation in this equation, the hungry sucker.

The very first Psychologist whoever saw me was back around 1998 and he told me then that I was (then) the most together guy he had ever come across, but I had an eating disorder. I used to eat one meal a day, a large one in the evening. No breakfast or lunch, just an evening meal.

I still do that although I have learned to eat some fruit in the morning and I do try to have a sandwich at lunch, but the whole eating thing really hasn’t changed that much. In fact, it’s got worse, and like last night, I had a craving for swallowing taste, you might call it eating?

I have to go with it else ManninMirror will throw his rattles out of the cage and I’ll go through internal torture at the beckoning shrieks of a chimp. I really should get some counseling on how to look at this I think.

I try and do it all on my own though by reading other people’s views on life. I do! What are all of my blogs about if not?

HA! Someone said to me once, “go with your gut and you won’t go wrong!” well wtf do I do when I have 4 guts? They all can’t have the same gut, can they?

Anyway lol, that’s me. A BPD Gannet.

So why are other people telling me that? Oh, I know! Now that I’m better they tell me that there are no records of me ever having bipolar so if it’s not bipolar then it has to be a personality disorder even though the 2 are so indistinguishable. So basically because of what I’ve been told by someone else, I’m making up things to try and get my head around what I’m being told?

Ack! This is confusing, to say the least. And with another man whose hungry screaming in my mind, it’s even more so. I think I’ll go and get a bite to eat and then return in a bit…(I always knew that here I would find answers.) There’s power in the word and I’ll leave you something to listen to while I’m gone.

After a bowl of chicken soup with bread and water, and listening to that YouTube video I’ve come to one conclusion. And that’s that I really believe in some of what he’s saying.

I once lived in a place that was full of negativity, and I picked up on that negativity each and every day. It near drove me mad and I was so sucked into it because at that time I had no understanding of resonance and feelings or the transference of emotion.

I’ve added a video for you below where he talks about connections. Run the tape forward to 10:52 and listen about the twins.

I think that explains things really nicely about how we are all connected in one way or another.

Sorry for changing the subject a bit there!

Yes, life is weird and we all get through it to the best of our abilities. Life, in fact, is a lot of the time too much for the beliefs of Mr. Braden. How difficult is it to form a habit of Meditation or Mindfulness?

As far as things go that concern myself, (and I’ve just noticed how differently my mind is working, now that I’ve eaten and the 5th Dan on my left shoulder has gone to sleep. Writing this is harder.) now that I’ve reached a grand age, all of the different personas that make me up are just about coming together, forming a united front and helping me live.

Through my past mistakes of using drugs so much, drinking so much, and generally being an asshole, putting up with mental illness where I became a junkie yet again, I now see the light or the trees in the forest and one thing that’s very apparent to me is that for the last 7/8 years I’ve basically been in isolation, where I’ve stayed getting myself together.

The next chapter of this BPD’s life will be having to leave the home again regularly in order to work for a living and that’s the reason why I’m enjoying learning so much, and I hope it all works.

Bipolar? pffft!

Personality Disorder? Pffft!

That’s what I’m telling myself now anyway and I’ll not start experiencing my other halves until I have to start dealing with people again in real life. Well, not until tomorrow when I get over hungry again.

–  “I’m black and I’m proud” The Commitments –