Written by Robert Walker aka Num
I’m working on myself
I have to make a better life for myself.
Become a better person and strive towards success of some kind. Any kind will do, as long as I do something to better things.
I think the first area that I’ll look at is my hierarchy of needs. I want to make a life that meets my needs, both materially & objectively. Materially I need nothing but objectively I need to further my education. Not education as such, it’s more to do with skills that I have and want.
I’m a single competent and capable guy but complicated too and I need my own space.
I don’t have many needs, I can take care of myself (and do a not so good job at that), I can cook/clean, etc. and I’m clever enough to be able to do what I do, I still have lots more to learn though.
My biggest downfall is that I lack confidence in myself. A lot of us find it hard to believe in ourselves and I’m one of those people.
If you can’t find anything to believe in, start with yourself – says my big blue book
A way in which I’m going to start building confidence is to start sharing with you what I like doing.
I won’t brag or big myself up, I’ll be honest and real.
I’ll start looking at things as an act of collaboration, and not one of “didn’t he do well!”, after all, if you are to think like that, taking in everyone’s point of view listening to criticism you won’t get anywhere or do anything will you.
For me up until quite recently, I ‘ve payed too much attention to what others thought and it’d drive me near crazy. If you’ve heard of or read the mind management book called The Chimp Paradox you’ll know that it’s something that many of us deal with. We all have a voice in our heads and it can be both positive and negative.
I used to be prone to a very negative voice and I used to call him Cuthbert. I can remember the day I started talking nicely to him and he listened, letting me get some sleep. He throws his rattles out once and a while now but on the whole, we have a good relationship and he doesn’t bother me too much.
Confidence! It comes and goes it’s like a tap that has an auto on and off shutter. Sometimes it’s on giving me brimming confidence and other times it’s off and I kind of shut down.
Just Do It – says Nike
I had planned on doing just that. I’d even talked to them at the gym over the phone about how things are considering COVID pandemic, should I phone before going, etc. I was half pumped ready to go and make a start and I would have started too, only it was that evening that we were told that we were going into another lockdown. That wasn’t to start until the next Thursday (last week)but I couldn’t see the point in going for just 4 days then having to quit, so I didn’t go. It will open again soon and that’s when I’ll just do it.
I’m learning how to be a graphic designer which is difficult because I’ve had to make a note on my whiteboard to “thing like a designer”. Slowly but surely it’s coming along and I’m getting there, however, what do I do if that isn’t what I want at the end of the day? I have interests in many things and I find it hard to not think about and start all of these things, in fact, I have started some before now and by the end of the day or week I’ll look at what I’m doing and I’ll have way too much on the go. I have to learn to focus…
Follow One Course Until Success
So many courses on so many different things I have and I’ve only ever completed a few of them. Started loads but finished, Nah. In the back of my mind, they are there to pass on to my family if anyone should be interested in any of them and of course, I have time to finish them myself. I’ve acquired a lot of knowledge and when the time is right I’ll learn. Just Do it!
I’m a lucky man you know, 3 years ago I died and was bought back to life.
It’s taken me this long to get where I am today and I feel ready, only there’s nowhere to go and nothing to start. That feels very disappointing and almost like a waste of time and if it wasn’t for the pandemic that’s got us all isolated to an extent then it would be.
Self-awareness and self-discovery are playing a big part in my life at the moment. I read a lot and listen to a lot, it’s all positive and it’s all very helpful and I wasn’t so in tune with myself I’d never even know and that would be really sad.
I’m embarking on a fresh challenge starting tomorrow morning which is changing from one anti-depressant to another. I’ve been feeling really spaced out and not with it for far too long now and a change is really needed. I daren’t drive at the moment, not that I could anyway because I don’t have a car, but in the future, I want to start driving again, it’s necessary.
I love it here, writing on this page and I hope I can carry on creating once I go through the change. I’ve got 10 days weaning myself off of one before I start another so please bear with me if things start to come across any different, it wasn’t me!
Thinking about it now, everything that I’m doing and I’m going to do depends on the outcome of that change, which can be a really scary thought if I pondered on it too much but I’m not. I’m going to just do it!
I love reading & writing & sharing through this medium the internet.
The written word is a language all of its own & through writing, we can touch.
