Feeling Stuck & Thinking Hard

Who am I?

• I’m a 55 year old man who should know better and I’ve been getting & going no where. Things have to change and so do I as this slump I’m in has been going on long enough.

What I do…

• I go out when I have to as I don’t like going out and I always feel relieved when I get back home. When I have them I eat a banana for breakfast and a sandwich for lunch. In between times I’m at my computer trying to carry on learning Photoshop as well as a multitude of other activities and it’s usually the other activities that get the most attention, (luckily yesterday was different). I count my steps on my phone when I do go out and weigh myself regularly. I sleep in the day when my brain has had enough. I get so absorbed in what I’m doing at times that I don’t eat, and I track how many hot drinks I’ve had. I regularly drink water when I’m feeling good. I let my flat become untidy.  I smoke too much and I try not to drink alcohol when I’m feeling good. I take my time and I do little so as not to feel like I’m getting stressed and manic. I regularly phone my Daughter and my Dad and look forward to going to see them although that’s not that often. I do some of the tasks listed in my Todoist App every day, although not every day. I enjoy buying things online when I can afford it. I listen to audiobooks and advice from the internet. I keep notes and write for therapy. I use WordPress to add to my 2 websites and volunteer building another one which hasn’t recently been going so well. I learn to paint digitally (if I could get started). I fight procrastination daily. I regularly wake up in the early hours of the morning. I pop pills like they are smarties day and night and I sometimes forget. I download, store, record and organise file information. I ocassionally speak to Alexa, I regularly talk to myself in my head and sometimes out loud. I watch tv in bed. I wait for the time to come when I’m not feeling this good. I day dream and I fantasize. I get angry when things don’t work and I cut people off when they upset me. I feel sorry for myself & I try not to. I get easily distracted and I forget a lot. I listen to the dawn chorus and smile. I count how many roll-ups I’ve smoked the previous day. I record what I’ve eaten. I frequently feel hurt by how many friends on Facebook I have and only a few recognise what I say or share. I take things too personally and I constantly think about the past (although this is getting better.) I get paranoid and easily get taken away by thoughts of negativity. I watch Snowfall on iplayer and S.A.S. Who Dares Wins where I think how I wanted to do that once upon a long time ago. I stare into thin air, thinking of crap. I limp when I walk and I try and keep the weight off my feet as they hurt. I spend a lot of time on my own in my flat on my computer and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

What I have…

• A nice first  floor flat where I feel safe & happy. A good computer which is my main entertainment system, an Alexa and a TV. Family that lives close enough to go and visit and we regularly talk on the phone. 3 good friends I can rely on and more I can talk to. Help with getting things done that doesn’t get done via online courses and vidoes. A great online community which helps me with Photoshop although I don’t use it as I should as I really don’t like Facebook. Online groups which I attend and am waiting to attend. An inner strength. An ability to problem solve. Skills in WordPress, Computers, Photoshop and Illustrator. A large Whiteboard on my wall. A book collection that I can’t get through. An account with Adobe. Evernote and Todoist, blog posts and Carl Pullein for self-help & productivity. Medium, Scrivener and Bookflow for writing. An idea to write a memoir. A good Air Fryer and a good oven, although I keep putting the wrong oven hob on. A vibrant personality and a good sense of what’s right and wrong. An inbuilt habit of being hard on myself. An alter ego who thinks he can run the show so I turn to my other alter ego who calms things down. A love of food and drink. A love of travel and sightseeing. A friendly nature and a good presence. A knack of finding the best of whatever that is. Morals. No Libido. Just about everything materially that I need and problems concerning anxiety and depression that I’m trying to deal with.

I want to be…

• Proficient in using Photoshop & Illustrator.
• Fit & Healthy.
• A non-smoker.
• Someone who has standing and holds respect.
• Able to earn money by doing what I enjoy.
• A Digital  Painter.
• A master of WordPress and turn my websites into something tangible.
• A Writer.
• Productive.
• Happier.
• On a really nice holiday.
• Appreciated and heard.
• Helped.
• Knowledgeable.
• Left alone to get on with what I’m doing.
• At the back in Support.
• Extrovert and Expressive.
• Last in the Queue.
• Perfect.
• True.
• Online.
• Someone who sticks at things.
• Confident and Self-Assured.
• Brave & Courageous.
• Less Insecure.
• More Motivated.
• Comfortably well off.
• Not coughing my guts up from smoking.
• In a very scenic part of Great Britain.
• A Chef.
• Drug Free.
• Younger.

I want to do…

• Start exercising enough to be able to quit smoking, get fit and save money.
• Learn and Master Photoshop & Illustrator which will enable me to earn money doing what I enjoy and learn Elementor which goes with WordPress.
• Decorate my flat.
• Save £7,500 and put it aside.
• Complete Carl Pullien’s Digital Life 3.0 & Ultimate Goal Planning Courses.
• Find my hope-filled words and develop a writing rhythm.
• Develop a regular healthy eating habit.
• Develop a regular healthy exercise routine.
• Be able to build a Portfolio and show it on Behance.
• Use my binoculars somewhere beautiful.
• Go to Norwich to go to the seaside and stop at all the stops along the way for a while.
• Go and visit a church or cathedral in a different part of the country every month.
• Turn back the time.
• Try harder.
• Have better mental health.
• Get on with life.

I want to have…

• Stamina.
• Motivation.
• Drive.
• A Growth Mindset.
• More Patience.
• A Bicycle.
• A personal pension.
• A good, sound and stable mind all the time.
• Confidence and strength of character.
• More time.
• Less insecurities.
• Focus and determination.
• A willingness to do what I want to do.
• The strength to carry things out and see them through.
• Good company when I want and need it.
• A life free from Bipolar

What’s holding me back?

• Barriers getting in the way stopping me from reaching my goals. Me. Me! Ultimately it’s me that’s holding me back. I don’t know why and I really wish I understood how I can talk to myself inside my head about the things that I will and won’t do and get it so wrong. I have myself constantly telling myself that either I don’t want to do that or I can’t do that or that someone else thinks I shouldn’t do that or has objections to me doing that. I don’t know how to over ride this and the only way I know how to deal with it is to shut down and not think. Hence the procrastination I suppose where I do very slowly get around to doing, only not doing what I wanted. For instance: I have a huge hurdle every time I think about going out for an exercise walk and making a morning routine or going to see people or even getting food sometimes. There’s always this negative, nagging, paranoid voice in the back of my head opposing me. When I’m feeling very low and I don’t care everything is ok as I just give in, but when I’m feeling good in myself (like now) it’s hard knowing that it is a real problem, and it hurts my head man. I think I give into him too easily. He’s got a name. Mannin Mirror I called him, and that’s me. I need to try harder. A lot harder!

Good News…the farmer is coming with his digger bucket to lift the cow’s rear hooves so that it will have it’s hind legs just about on the gate where it’ll be trying to push free only without getting it’s back legs caught up between the railings in the process where it’ll be in an even bigger fix. Me? I’ll continue with what I’m doing, only with a lot more effort. Things take time and time takes time. It’s a work in progress and things are improving.

Tomorrow Will Be A Good Day