Bipolar is an energy, a living presence. An entity.
You would have thought that I’d be well versed in dealing with this sometimes crippling problem that affects my being. It’s a bit like Groundhog Day for me. The same shit happens time and time again but I never get used to it. I never get used to feeling lost and helpless. By getting used to it what I mean is that after so many years I would have thought I’d be able to fully understand why I feel this way, and know just what to do about it. I’m a broken record on scratch, over and over and over and over again. I just wish it would pass so that I could move on and feel alive again. Don’t get this wrong I’m not dying, in fact, there’s not much that’s different. Just my outlook, my thought pattern – my MOJO has left me. No, I’m not feeling sorry for myself. That get’s you nowhere. I’m just sharing my thoughts, as I do.
I mean what is a man to do when all he feels like doing is crying his eyes out? For no reason either. I think that is the thing I’ve gotten mostly used to as now it doesn’t feel like something inside of me that just needs to get out. Even when it was like that I couldn’t cry, not fully anyway, my eyes would just well up and then something inside my head would stop me, just like that. Like a fucking tap being closed. Up and down, around and around went the emotions in Rob. To tell you the truth, I’m sick of it. I hate it. Why can’t I just be normal? Normal, what is normal? I just wish that my moods and thoughts wouldn’t be so overwhelming and powerful. Hey I’ll be OK and I always live to fight another day, it’s just that through living with this disorder I feel the fight has gone. And in a way that’s a good thing, I’ve no more RAH! The anger that was once inside has evaporated almost leaving me unguarded and naive. And when I think of that unguardedness and naivety, what comes to my mind is that I have no or very little feeling about anything anymore. The medications have paved their way and put pay to all of that. Maybe that’s why I drink? Nowhere near as much as I used to but at least then I can FEEL.
It’s right what they say about writing things down. To get it out of your head and get it out. I do actually feel lighter now and now I’m able to see that this is the thing to do. For years I’ve written and made notes, but those pieces of paper would just end up in the bin. The human brain is meant for making ideas, not holding them. And the fact that no one reads it doesn’t sway me. It’s just so nice to be able to write/type and share through this medium.
Whoever u r and where ever u go, make time to be heard so that u can let go. The words on a screen that you leave here to see, might be cherished and loved by more than just me. Have a nice day!
